Liquidation Sedation

Today is liquids only. Jamba for lunch in a few minutes and I'll try to kill time at H&M again since I really need some new sweaters and boots. It's getting cold enough up here that we finally stopped being lazy and took the AC out of the window.

I finished writing my Decision Profile for Philosophy class saturday. It was an interesting assignment. We had to take one decision we recently made and break it down step by step. Whether it was buying jeans or getting married, we were to explain the thought process we went through and the decision it lead us to. Then, we reevaluated whether or not we believed our choice was a reasonable one or not.

No, I didn't write about my eating. That's a little TOO personal for a school assignment. However, I wrote one for myself. And for you ladies. The short version is:

I do not know why I hate myself for eating, but I do know that I am a walking irony. I grew up in a household that does not push beauty above brains. My mother is a nurse who always made sure we ate healthy and constantly mocked "fad" diets for their lack of nutritional value. I was never picked on for being fat in school because I was always the skinny girl other girls hated. I never even tried to be that skinny girl. I was just lucky that asthma and the track team burned off the thousands of calories I ingested daily. All I know is that one day I stepped out of the shower and was repulsed by my own reflection. I know I am unhappy with myself and I know that the best thing I can do to find happiness, is doing whatever it takes to be able to look at myself in the mirror again and smile.

That's why I had green tea for breakfast. A fruit smootie for lunch and broth for dinner. So I can feel that proud emptiness that reminds me- no pain. no loss.