Classic Thinspo: Audrey

mmm.. soup weather.

as the world around me shrinks away

I hope to be as thin someday...

It's getting cold up here, finally. I feel like it's easier for me to exercise when it's cold out. It's also easier to hide weight loss under bulky jackets and sweaters. Like a fluffy wool cocoon I can emerge from sexy and fresh in the Spring. :D

I also love this weather because it's great soup nomming weather. And soup means less calories. Less bread, less pasta. Just 90 calories of homemade goodness. I had a bit of a cold this weekend so it was filled with chicken noodle, OJ and sleep. Yay... sleep.

Empty Sky, Full Tummy

Ok, not "full" but it's 800 cal day. And that's a lot imo.

I had green tea for breakfast:
<333 Starbucks. Gotta remember to bring my Centrum to work or I forget to take it.

Subway for lunch:
Turkey&Swiss on Flatbread with tomatoes and cucumbers. Vinegar for dressing.
1 pack of apple slices I'm saving for later and a cup of ice water (which I paid fountain drink price for just to get those stupid Scrabble game pieces.. lol.)

Dinner:
I'm planning on grilling some Tilapia and Zucchini.

Desert:
no ty. >:[

It's a beautiful day in NY today. Post-rain sunshine days are always sooooo nice. I'm taking the long way home and getting in some walking tonight.

omfg.. must. not. eat.

I'm craving so bad, I've got to make a list.

WHY I AM FAT:

1. I hate washing dishes, so I order food in to save myself the trouble.
2. I quit smoking.
3. I take every excuse not to walk to the gym. Rain, snow, illness...
4. I don't work on my feet anymore; I sit at a desk for 8 hours.
5. I'm no longer counting change to buy a child's meal, instead, I am splurging upwards of $10-15 for lunch.
6. My boyfriend told me he loved the way I look.
7. I stopped taking pictures of myself or updating my FB/MS pages.
8. I don't see friends anymore so no one's been around to tell me I look "a little chubby".
9. I haven't worn shorts and my fat was hiding where I didn't notice it.
10. I convinced myself that I was eating healthy when I was really just eating a LOT of vegetables and huuuge salads.
11. I'm lazy.
12. I'm weak.
13. I'm out of excuses.

I need to keep control. If I can't stay in control today, I'm going to lose hope.

So hungry...

I'm hot, delisional, sun burned and running on nothing but Green Tea...

All I want to do is go home, curl up and sleep but I've got 3 hours in Metaphysics tonight. Yay... 3 hour discussions on The Being of Nothingness. My empty stomach may have a thing or two to say on that subject.

One Week at a Time in Daily Steps

I fell into an emotional slump this weekend. Nothing hurts like feeling fat and unattractive. I know I was a lousy and bitchy girlfriend throughout most of the Jets game, but by watching the team struggle and somehow get their act together to pull through and win I realized something.

I'm being way too hard on myself. My NOW weight is not who I am, it's just a hurdle, something I can overcome.

So instead of letting that seemingly huge goal of 30 lbs bear on my conscience, I am taking things weekly. 1 lb. a week should be achievable. Laughably, right? Anything above and beyond will just be fat-free icing on the invisible cake.

For breakfast I had a Slim Fast (I am suprised how well these things work when your whole life isn't centered around them!) It's 90 calories and I feel full and treated, yum.. chocolate. For lunch, I had errands to do. So I grabbed my 130 cal Starbucks Green Tea and went for a 30 block trek through manhattan trying to hunt down these cards I've been meaning to buy. No one had them, but I feel good knowing I killed my whole lunch hour without giving into all the food temptations screaming at me on the streets.

I am also going to get on the weekly weigh-in trend. Daily weighs just crunch at your hopes. And if I do cave and step on the scale between Saturdays, I am going to remind myself that Saturday is the only day that counts. Everything else is just a detour to the goal.

I want to be 105 by my birthday (Thanksgiving Day this year!.. oh the irony) but anything 115 or less will be temporarily acceptable seeing as how my birthday is only 2 months away. IF I reach my 115 mid-goal I will award myself with a new dress. IF and ONLY IF I reach this goal.

Stay with it ladies. No pain. No loss.

New Layout

I'll be playing around with the blog today until I settle on something I like. Sorry in advance for your retina abuse.

Denial: The Scale MUST Be Broken!

I swore I wouldn't weigh myself any more than once a week. Something like "every Saturday morning" would have been awesome. But the scale is there, right by the shower so of course I have to step on it every day. I'm pushing at 135 again. I knew it. I felt disgusting the last two days.

I've been sick and what does the doctor tell me? "You have to eat more. You can cut calories without cutting back on all the food. Plus you should still stay at 1500." Eww... I know it's the recommended amount of daily yadayada but I reasoned that I need to eat less than I burn to lose weight. Otherwise I'll plateau at 135 forver which, of course, i DO NOT WANT. But my boyfriend wants me to eat and I have been sick so I let him feed me.

Weds we shared a Spinach Alfredo pizza from PapaJohns and last night I cooked chili and to eat with the cornbread muffins his parents gave us. That's right, I never mentioned this before but his parents both work for a grocery chain here in Brooklyn. That means we almost always go home with food when we visit them. And his grandparents even sent me a bread machine recently. I have yet to open it but flipping through the book alone made me crave delicious loaves of caloric hell.

Luckily I've been sleeping through breakfast and eating a lunch/dinner meal and getting too distracted to eat dinner. Weds it was a video game we played til bed time and yesterday I had Project Runway and the repeat after to push me to midnight without snacking.

I'm back in the office, feeling non flu-ish so I'm going back to eating less. Trying Wheat Thins and lemon pepper tuna for lunch. Wheat Thins taste better than I thought they would. :D

I'm still thinking my scale is broken. HOPING it is. I got a digital scale so I could get a decimal reading. But unlike a manual dial where I can see if it's zeroed out or not, I can't tell if the digital one is "off" or not. :[ Does anyone else have this problem? Now I want to get a second scale.

Tiny Victories

.4 lbs gone! I'll take it.

Today is my ZERO day on the 024681 plan.

Water and Centrum for breakfast.
A walk and water for lunch.
And the gym and a nap for dinner.

I left my wallet at home so no temptation would be in my grasp. Days like today, I'm glad Manhattan is so expensive. The piggy bank on my desk never looked so appealing.

Speaking of change, I started buying InStyle and Cosmo to flip through on the train. I've also grown much more addicted to the shows on Bravo. Though Project Runway and the Models of Project Runway have my devotion no matter what channel it moves to. :D I've always had a smoldering love for fashion but the irony is that when I was thin enough to look good in anything, I was all into grunge fashion. And now that I've put on weight, I can finally afford the nice things I can no longer fit into.

Why Did I Let This Happen?

Usually I'm happy when I get sick. I can sleep in. I'm disinclined to ingest many calories. I can skip the gym without feeling remorse. But this weekend was horrible.

I called in sick on Friday because I couldn't stop sneezing and my head was killing me. It poured all day Friday and Saturday making me feel extremely lethargic. But I couldn't bring myself to do even the simplest activity. I let the boyfriend talk me into ordering pizza. I was honestly too weak to even stand in the kitchen long enough to make something to eat. Instead we curled up with pizza and watched District 9.

Temporary joy. I can't eat while I watch something, I never pay attention to how much I've eaten. It's like smoking. I feel relaxed and rewarded now, but at what cost?

I couldn't even step on the scale this morning. I don't want to know.

Slim fast for breakfast.
Bought another for lunch.

Looks like I'm going for an hour walk today. Thinking about skipping class, emailing my article in and hitting the gym tonight. Maybe if I throw in a manicure and tan after the workout it'll feel more like a treat than the punishment it really is.

I wish I never ran track.

I know how I said in my very first post that I used to be thin. It's somewhat true. I've always hovered around 100 lbs. (until recently) with chicken arms and wrists too small to wear bracelets or watches made for "adult" women.

But my thighs are another story. They haven't been thin since puberty hit in. Doesn't help that I ran track for 7 years in M.S. and H.S. either. They are perma chub and I hate it. I always wanted those perfect legs, the kind you can wear thigh highs with and it looks GOOD.

Instead, I have these thick tree trunks attached to my hips. I'm hoping that if I starve off enough of the fat, my body will start eating away at the muscle I foolishly built into my legs.

Green Tea for Breakfast.

Bowl of cereal at lunch.

That leaves 200 calories for dinner. I think I might skip if I can stay out late enough to just come home and sleep. Thank god I have class tonight.

Lunch & Dinner Plans...

I love that I'm still thinking in 3 meal increments when I'm really just breaking up my normal lunch meal into three parts.

Breakfast: Venti Iced Green Tea - 130 calories
Lunch: Small Chicken Noodle Soup & water - 80 calories
Dinner: 1/2 Chicken Mediterranean Wrap & water - 170 calories

TTL if I don't snack tonight after class: 380

I read on another blog about the 0-2-4-6-8-1 plan.
0 calories, 200, 400, 600, 800, 1000 rinse and repeat. It keeps your metabolism from plateauing out. So, I think I'm going to hop on board and count today as a 400 day and continue from there.

3 Day Weekend: Nightmare for Diets

When I'm at the office I have long streches of time where my hands are occupied, my hours are devoured by work and I have no time to stop and eat. But at home on the weekend, lazing about for three days, the temptations pile on. It's even harder when there's a holiday involved and I have to go see the boyfriend's family. They cook such delicious smelling food. And always have desert. For a home full of diabetics, why does that sugar-free pie and ice cream have to look so damn inviting?

Well, thankfully, my boyfriend has decided to make a little competition of my weight loss. Biggest Loser sort of competition and we decided to order in sushi instead of pizza from now on. Chicken and fish if we have to eat meat and no more snack foods in the house. I spent yesterday cleaning the kitchen of clutter both inside and out. This is more than just a diet for me, but I'm glad I have a little more control over what I get exposed to back at home.

Lunch Ritual

I like to go window shopping on my lunch break. Not only does it remind me how atrociously chubby I am, it also gives me something to aim for. I want to be a specific size by my birthday (November). So, I'm not buying anything new until I can fit into my old jeans. Once I can rock those again without muffin-topping out of them, I'll buy some new clothes. And some new boots. What's the point of getting hot, thin legs if I can't show them off in boots and tights?

Went to Hale & Hearty for a small Chicken Vegetable Soup - 80 calories. Water. I don't feel hungry, kinda makes me sad actually. I feel like I caved instead of sticking to water only. But I'm feeling sick, so I figured I needed to eat something. Just a little bit. Going to the gym tonight anyway. Augh! I still feel wretched for eating.

-_-

no pain, no loss.

The Starbucks Diet

This is going to be a ramble but bear with me:

I'm reading Moby Dick for my Hawthorne/Melville Lecture and I come across the character Starbuck. I remember the Food Network (basically, the porn channel now) show where I learned that Starbucks Coffee took their name from the book and it was actually going to be called Stubbs' Coffee.

So, in that track of mind I remember that it's been far too long since I last spoiled myself with some coffee and since I have a few bucks in my pocket I stopped in this morning. My "usual" tall mocha frapachino has sooo many calories, I checked the calories of the non-fat, still too many. Looked over the tea menu and remembered how delicious their green tea is. Not to mention how awesome it is for your skin. And don't you know it's my lucky day? They ran out of sweetener so I tried the tea unsweetend and it's still good. Got that peppery minty taste. yum. I'll never have to get it sweetend again. Happy Breakfast. Happy 3 day Weekend!

:D

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Last Night recap:
Went to football, probably burned 100+ calories just freaking out at his grandmother's driving. His dad brought roasted turkey sandwiches, no sauce, just turkey and bread so I didn't have to splurge down BBQ or anything horrendous. And though my head was pounding, I turned down the Beck's for a bottle of water.

Still felt guilty when I got home so I exercised for about an hour on my big yellow yoga ball and watched some cartoons. Went to bed feeling sore and fullfilled.

No Pain. No Loss.

hurts so good

The gurgle and pinch of an empty belly is becoming a silent joy. No pain, no... loss. I turned down a free chocolate chip cookie, 30 more minutes til we leave for Jersey. My tummy hates me now.

The feeling's mutual, tubby.

Walk for Lunch, Water only.

I put myself on a financial strike. I need the money for books anyway, so I bought my school books and cannot afford to purchase lunch in Manhattan now. So unless it's a free bag of pretzels or some fruit from the breakfast meetings, I will not eat. In fact, I cannot.

Snagged a bottle of water and went for a walk during the break. Have to admit it felt great. My stomach was protesting at 11:30, but by the time lunch rolled around and I was out in the beautful weather just exploring the city, I forgot all about food. I had forgotten how nice it is to just go for a walk for an hour.

I'm buying a bathroom scale next week. For now, I'm just using the one at Bally's as my measuring tool but I'll need one in the apartment if I want to keep a closer eye on things.

Tonight, I am worried. i have to go to the Jets game with my boyfriend and his father. I like football, don't get me wrong, and only a mad person would say no to season tickets. But they are tailgaters. If you're unfamiliar with the term it means we go early and have a cookout/hangout in the parkinglot before the game. this means food and nowhere to stash it. Luckily, I was home sick yesterday. Maybe I can play it up and turn down the food graciously. Just don't know what I'm going to do next week...

or for the next 3 months. >:[

I used to be skinny

It feels like years ago. It was. Two exactly. I went to the doctor's office recently and was weighed at 130+ pounds.

one hundred

thirty.

I wanted to throw up.

I will be skinny again. Whatever it takes. This blog is to keep my fat butt on track.