Orange & Green Straws

Sorry I've been away so very long!

I've had my schlumpy days. Been sick with a crap flu for weeks, finally healing and back to work. I've been sticking to fluids this week. Starbucks & Jamba Juice mostly with the occaisional soup. It's working well so far though my lethargy has me at only 1lb less than I was weeks ago.

I'll be posting pictures of myself to track progress visually and give me more incentive to stick to it! Going as Bettie Page to a dead celeb Halloween party this weekend so maybe I'll post those pictures. :D

I have a confession and since no one who knows me in the real world reads this blog, here goes:

I have a crush on my professor. And not just a "omg he's hot" crush. I mean a damn I wish I was single, not living with my loving boyfriend and met him 2 years ago crush. The man is ideal and it's painful. Don't worry, I'm not jail baiting or anything. I'm 28, in fact I'll be 29 soon. Im only a year younger than him and it's just.. damn. I hate being my age and still in college. I have more in common with my proffessors than I do my classmates and it probably makes me act all sorts of weird.

On the plus side, I have extra drive to look my best and stop getting FAT.

Liquidation Sedation

Today is liquids only. Jamba for lunch in a few minutes and I'll try to kill time at H&M again since I really need some new sweaters and boots. It's getting cold enough up here that we finally stopped being lazy and took the AC out of the window.

I finished writing my Decision Profile for Philosophy class saturday. It was an interesting assignment. We had to take one decision we recently made and break it down step by step. Whether it was buying jeans or getting married, we were to explain the thought process we went through and the decision it lead us to. Then, we reevaluated whether or not we believed our choice was a reasonable one or not.

No, I didn't write about my eating. That's a little TOO personal for a school assignment. However, I wrote one for myself. And for you ladies. The short version is:

I do not know why I hate myself for eating, but I do know that I am a walking irony. I grew up in a household that does not push beauty above brains. My mother is a nurse who always made sure we ate healthy and constantly mocked "fad" diets for their lack of nutritional value. I was never picked on for being fat in school because I was always the skinny girl other girls hated. I never even tried to be that skinny girl. I was just lucky that asthma and the track team burned off the thousands of calories I ingested daily. All I know is that one day I stepped out of the shower and was repulsed by my own reflection. I know I am unhappy with myself and I know that the best thing I can do to find happiness, is doing whatever it takes to be able to look at myself in the mirror again and smile.

That's why I had green tea for breakfast. A fruit smootie for lunch and broth for dinner. So I can feel that proud emptiness that reminds me- no pain. no loss.

I'm Alive and Feeling the GOOD Pain

Sorry I haven't updated more lately. It's been a busy week at work and school.. I like busy weeks. Keeps my mind and my hands distracted from other things.

I slipped a little getting fast food one day last week, I forgot which already. Had Wendy's asian nuggets things and a frosty chino. Didn't weigh myself that night. Watched X-Men Origins instead (omg the man-candy in that movie! <3)

Otherwise, I bought healthy/safe snacks for the small fridge by my desk to erase any and all 3pm slump cravings from the snack-machine.
- Bottled Water
- Special K Bars
- Wheat Thins
- Cheddar Slices

I also stocked our home fridge with Progresso and Lean Cuisine. If I must eat, I will not overeat. This much I can control.

Breakfast today was coffee and 1/2 a special K bar. Yes, half. I was honestly full after 45 calories and that made my day. Lunch was a walk, shopping at H&M (yay tights weather!) and a stop in Jamba for a small peach & banana smoothie. 290 calories. Dinner will be determined by how tired I am after class. Maybe I'll finish that breakfast bar.

Oh! I almost forgot, I'm aching all over. That good pain I was mentioning, is that muscle-tense, wearing heels hurts my calves kind of burn from a long workout session. Feeling thin is key to thinking thin. And that, lovely ladies, will make us thin.

No Pain. No Loss.

Classic Thinspo: Audrey

mmm.. soup weather.

as the world around me shrinks away

I hope to be as thin someday...

It's getting cold up here, finally. I feel like it's easier for me to exercise when it's cold out. It's also easier to hide weight loss under bulky jackets and sweaters. Like a fluffy wool cocoon I can emerge from sexy and fresh in the Spring. :D

I also love this weather because it's great soup nomming weather. And soup means less calories. Less bread, less pasta. Just 90 calories of homemade goodness. I had a bit of a cold this weekend so it was filled with chicken noodle, OJ and sleep. Yay... sleep.

Empty Sky, Full Tummy

Ok, not "full" but it's 800 cal day. And that's a lot imo.

I had green tea for breakfast:
<333 Starbucks. Gotta remember to bring my Centrum to work or I forget to take it.

Subway for lunch:
Turkey&Swiss on Flatbread with tomatoes and cucumbers. Vinegar for dressing.
1 pack of apple slices I'm saving for later and a cup of ice water (which I paid fountain drink price for just to get those stupid Scrabble game pieces.. lol.)

Dinner:
I'm planning on grilling some Tilapia and Zucchini.

Desert:
no ty. >:[

It's a beautiful day in NY today. Post-rain sunshine days are always sooooo nice. I'm taking the long way home and getting in some walking tonight.

omfg.. must. not. eat.

I'm craving so bad, I've got to make a list.

WHY I AM FAT:

1. I hate washing dishes, so I order food in to save myself the trouble.
2. I quit smoking.
3. I take every excuse not to walk to the gym. Rain, snow, illness...
4. I don't work on my feet anymore; I sit at a desk for 8 hours.
5. I'm no longer counting change to buy a child's meal, instead, I am splurging upwards of $10-15 for lunch.
6. My boyfriend told me he loved the way I look.
7. I stopped taking pictures of myself or updating my FB/MS pages.
8. I don't see friends anymore so no one's been around to tell me I look "a little chubby".
9. I haven't worn shorts and my fat was hiding where I didn't notice it.
10. I convinced myself that I was eating healthy when I was really just eating a LOT of vegetables and huuuge salads.
11. I'm lazy.
12. I'm weak.
13. I'm out of excuses.

I need to keep control. If I can't stay in control today, I'm going to lose hope.